“You’ve just got to have thick skin.” This is the “advice” I’ve heard from several males when I talk openly about the gender biases and discrimination in engineering. For a long time, I told myself, “Yeah, thick skin, just deal and get over it.” While I understand that the idea is “don’t let it get to you,” I absolutely detest this phrase. Thick skin implies passiveness. Just take it and try to brush it off. It implies helplessness. A mentality of “you can’t do anything to change things anyway, so don’t even try.” I refuse to have that mentality, especially towards something as important as my career in a field that I absolutely love. I refuse to go though life waiting hopelessly for things to magically get better. You have to stand up for the things that are important to you.
There is a certain finesse to choosing your battles, but just letting everything go and not speaking up for yourself gets you nowhere. Sometimes the points can be subtle. Other times, you have to be explicit and initiate that awkward conversation that no one really wants to have. Sometimes, standing your ground and making your point may change your relations with other people, but it has to be done. Relying on thick skin only prepares you for abuse; identifying and addressing the root of the problem is the best way to induce change.
The confusing part is that not all women in male-dominated fields share the same perspective on the best way to induce change and increase acceptance of women in engineering. Particularly, on the common problem of how to integrate women into an established all-male group. I had a female coworker who was unbelievably intelligent, confident, hardworking, and overall, just amazing. We were the only two women in a group at a large engineering-focused company. We were both new to the company/group and wanted to be “part of the group.”
At work, plans were made to go to a bar for a social hour. It turned out to be a sports bar where the waitresses wore skin-tight, low-cut referee shirts and spandex shorts as their uniform; I can’t even imagine what the interview for this job would be like, wtf. When we got there and I noticed how much the setting was clearly geared towards the straight male, I made a comment to my female coworker about it. Her response was to the point of “Yes, but this is what you have to do to be part of the group.” The group happens to be mostly male and this is the kind of place they hang out. Isn’t it better to go with the group even if it’s to a place that isn’t quite fitting to you, rather than completely boycott it and become disconnected? Can’t fight the boy’s club? Then join it! I understand and respect this perspective, but something just did not sit right with me. It seemed so gender slanted for a work-related event at a company that touted its “family friendliness.” I wrestled with it for a while, but didn’t really know what I could do about it.
The next time we had a social hour was at a normal restaurant, where the servers were properly dressed, and I was looking forward to a normal, enjoyable evening. The conversation got going and everything was pleasant. Then one of my coworkers, who had been in the company for a long time, started complaining about our current boss. He told us how under previous bosses at the company the group had gone out to titty bars and used company money to pick up the tab. When I heard this, I felt like someone had just punched me in the face. I started to question, would that have happened if there had been any women in the group? Were they really using company money, that I was now helping to earn, to go get off at some titty bar? Shouldn’t the company be buying the equivalent for women, trashy romance novels or vibrators or something?!
I was angry and conflicted, but I could not brush this one off. I couldn’t stay silent. In an extremely awkward conversation, I told my boss about the interaction. I didn’t give him all the details, just that this coworker talking about titty bars at a work-related dinner did not seem appropriate to me. Since I was still new to the group, I was not quite sure what my boss’s reaction would be. He was actually quite upset and told me he would talk to that coworker about it. I felt relieved that I had spoken up, but I also felt like a snitch. Now, my coworkers would see me as someone that they had to watch what they say around; like I had just lost my cool card or something. As much as this made interactions with that coworker slight awkward, I still knew that it was what I had to do. Part of me wishes I would have had the courage and confidence to tell him directly instead of going through my boss, but I addressed it the best way I knew that I could. In the end, this and a number of other work and living situation issues are what drove me away from that job, and honestly, I’m much happier for it.
If something is truly important to you, having thick skin will not prevent it from getting to you. Once it gets to you, pretending it doesn’t bother you only fuels the fire. And, ignoring it will just make you burn from the inside out (or explode spontaneously). It takes courage to challenge the status quo, but if things are going to change for women in engineering or in any situation, we have to continue to step up and take on that challenge.
